So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
