i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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