Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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