non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
