I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
