Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
