I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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