his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
