I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
