I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
