afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
