Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
