I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
a search helicopter?!
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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