There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
