she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
