Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
