he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
