It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
