I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
