it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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