I wish I could teleport
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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