I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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