remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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