ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
