Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
