Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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