do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
