To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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