thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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