A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I am midnight drunk by noon
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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