he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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