If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
this just has baby written all over it
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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