We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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