Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
