would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
