We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
