I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
