I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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