If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
