they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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