babies were throwing up all over the place
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
