I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
