apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
