I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
