Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
