just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
