im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
