Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
