3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
