I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
