you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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